I'm glad i can still update my blog once in awhile... especially when I feel like the world is tumbling on me.  But for quite a time, I am glad that I have a peaceful and happier life.  I find the serenity I've long been searching for.

Thoughts about AM.....  I am happy having him in my life. .. though he's been there for me for quite a long time now..  the only difference is, it is more defined now, than before.  I know where I am in his life, and perhaps, he knows where he is in my life.  I'm free, not the "free" in the real sense of the word, but the fact that I no longer live with AMIL is enough to say that I am free.  So, if i had apprehensions before to show AM how much i care, now, there's no holding back.

I must admit, there were times I jsut wanted to step back...  there were times when I thought that it's better for us to remain the good friends that we were before... there was no expections, no commitments...  but part of me want something more than the friendship that we had then. 

I want to be taken cared of more than a friend could give.  I want the comfort that it gives me, thinking, knowing and feeling that he's there for me in a very special way.

Honestly, I am hoping that we'll be together forever. I like the feeling.  I am so happy...  very very happy.

Na miss ko ng sobra ang magsulat. 

I just want to share the happiness I feel having "morning" in my life..  basta nandyan sya, di ko na namamalayan na may mga problema ako, Life is lighter and happier when "morning" is around. I even have this fantasy na sana naging kami na lang ever since. Sana wala na lang "AMIL" sa mga buhay namin.  malamang mas masaya kami ngayon.  But I know it can never be.  So I just have to enjoy the “kami” that we have now.

Sometimes, I often compare him sa mga ilang guys na nandyan (for whatever intention). For some reason, they can never measure up to him.   Nag iisa lang sya talaga.  minsan natanong ko ngan kung sakali kayang maging “free” ako,  is there someone else out there for me? Someone like him who has never given anything to me but happiness and respect? Can I ever find another him? Pero naisip ko na basta nandyan lang sya, I don’t need anyone in my life.  He's more than enough. I am happy and complete when his around.

You know what, I am so used of having him around… kaya sana d sya magbago at magsawa.  I really treasure our long talks on the phone. We never run out of things to say from the corniest joke to most serious matters  I really wish, walang magsawa. Whatever happens.  Sana nga mas maging maganda pa ang relasyon namin.  I know deep in my heart that I will always have a special place in my heart for him. No one can reside in that space. Only him. Sya lang naman ang nakapagpasaya sa akin nang walang hinihinging kapalit. Sya lang ang nagturo sa akin that life is beautiful.  sabi ko nga, he taught me how to trust and love again. He knows me more than anyone else (kaya nga  we're best friends e).   

I’m scared of losing him.  Ayoko na lang isipin na darating uli ang isang araw na masasaktan ulit ako.  Sobrang saya ko ngayon and I want this to last forever..  But of course, more than my happiness, I am hoping that he's happier. 
Everything I wrote here is true.  Anyway, you know me naman inside and out.

After so many months, i'm back blogging again.  though I am not sure if i can regularly update my blog.

Anyways, i just want to share my happiness.  I am happier than ever.  I am free...  I live a peaceful life now.  I have someone who cares.    And I care for him.

I appreciate his presence.  I appreciate his time.

I hope this is for real.  

“Last night, feeling ko naka “shabu” ako, d ako makatulog… as in, I tried so hard para lang ma shut down ko ang isip ko, so I could stop thinking… until 12:30 a.m. gising ako…  d ko na namalayan, na, nakatulog din pala ako.  But before 4:00 a.m., gising na ako.  I tried to go back to sleep but same thoughts were running around my mind. Couldn’t help thinking.

Thoughts on promotion. 

Honestly and sincerely, I wasn’t really after it, I know that “my time” will come in His time.  I just wanted a fair process.  I know that bad inter-office politics do happen…  and it may be part of the game… kailangan lang na tanggapin ko di ko man ma maintindihan…

I was also thinking about the “querida” thing.  I was just wondering kung paano na ha handle ng mga “querida” ang napakahirap ng sitwasyon nila…

Just the thought na “second priority or option” ka lang.

I was trying to compare the situation of a “querida” with my situation as someone’s “best friend”.

Pag querida ka kasi, dapat ready ka sa mga consequences:

1.           Bukod sa 2^nd option ka lang, makakasama mo lang sya kung kailan sya “free”.

2.           Mas madalas, makakasama mo sya pag magkaaway sila ng “original”, pero kung masaya sila, don ka lang muna sa “side”

3.           At kung may bigla silang lakad, dapat ready ka na bigla na lang syang aalis ng hindi na mag papaalam sa iyo, maalala ka man nya, pero mas excited sya na makasama yung “original”.

4.           Hindi nya sasagutin ang mga calls or texts mo dahil kasama nya ang “original” nya.  Wait until he’s available to reply, yon ay kung maalala ka nya.

5.           Hindi ikaw ang makakasama nya during special occasions.  One day before ka or  one day after.

6.           He may totally leave you, most especially if their relationship is at stake, or if time comes that he has to choose between you and his “original”..

7.           Maaaring sooner or later, dadating yang mga sitwasyon na yan, at kung dumating ka man sa mga ganyang sitwasyon, dapat  maintindihan mo… at matanggap mo…

Since “kinakarir” ko ang pagiging “querida” ko, dapat ba na maglagay ako ng limitations sa pagiging “super duper close” namin ng best friend ko?  baka masanay ako na palagi syang nandyan, what if, nagbago ang sitwasyon… what if magbago or magsawa sya?  Can I handle the pain?

Thoughts on AMIL…

Wala… 

kasi hindi ko sya iniisip.  J

1:            Good a.m.  I know it’s too early.  I just wanted to be the first to text u.  How r u?  Actually, feeling ko di ako nakatulog (Actually, I feel like I   haven’t sleep at all).  I’ve been thinking of you.  Alam mo yung feeling   na gusto kong samahan kita while d pa naayos yung mga dapat               ayusin (I felt like wanting to accompany you while you’re in distress).  I          want to be the one to comfort you….  That at the end of the day, alam kong somehow, ok ka na (I know, somehow  you feel fine).  I hope you     feel the love and care that go with this message.  I just realized that it    doesn’t need to be “us” to do and say all these things.  Luv u.  mwah. 

2.            HI D.  Just read your message.  Glad to wake up with your texts.               Kahit na insensitive ako, feel na feel ko d love a friend could ever wish      for.  (Eventhough I am insensitive, I could feel the love a friend could       ever wish for) And I count it a blessing that you’re there for me both               during sunny and rainy (or sometimes cyclonic) days.  I really hope                 that I can say more than thank you for all d love and care.  I’m just so      happy coz you’re accompanying me through what I am going through             and by shielding my vulnerabilities and helping me get away from            bigger troubles.  Feeling ko “tayo” in our past life (I feel like it was          “us” in our past life).  But “tayo” pa din naman (it’s still “us&rdquo in this    present life, only better, coz we have a special kind of friendship even real couples could ever ask for.  luv u too. Mwah.  Gud a.m

Our texts messages this morning were full of emotions... although I know that in the afternoon, he’s gonna meet his girlfriend.

But it’s something I have to accept.  He’s not mine.  We’re not couples, we’re special friends, we’re bestfriends.

It hurts so bad it consumes all of my being... all of me.  Just why did I let this happen?
And why him?  Why can't I let him go?

I don’t know.  All I know is I am happy just knowing he’s there for me.  I’m happy and contented being his “querida” or “number 2” (not in the real sense of the word).

And I can't talk these things out to anyone.

They always say that things happen for a reason.

I wish I know why this happened.

Falling in love with your best friend....

Yes, it’s inevitable. You spend so much time together, you can talk about anything, and you know each other’s secrets. You buy each other things, “just because I know you’ll like that.” You’re always there for each other. Sooner or later, at least one of you would fall in love with the other.

We know it’s extremely difficult, especially when you really have so much fun together and—admit it—he’s attractive. But it is possible to not ever be romantically involved with your male bestfriend. It is usually advisable to keep things that way, too. So here are a few tips to help prevent you from crossing the line.

1. Keep in mind that your best friend will always be your best friend. The “mind over matter” rule might still work for you, writes Anna Lorraine Miranda-baysa in “How Not To Fall In Love With Your Best Friend.” Forbid yourself from entertaining thoughts of your best friend being the man you’ve been waiting for, because you will eventually convince yourself that he is—even if he probably is not. Whenever your mind wanders dangerously close to that line, give yourself a good, firm shake.

2. Decide not to be attracted. In fact, try to feel embarrassed about even considering it. Of course you became friends because you saw a lot of great qualities in each other that made you click, that’s why it’s inevitable to feel attracted to each other. But to avoid falling for his great qualities, humorously think of his worst traits—especially the really weird and gross ones.

Know all the negative consequences falling in love would have on your precious friendship.

3. Avoid situations where you are left alone with each other, “as this allows a breeding place for passion.”

4. Know all the negative consequences falling in love would have on your precious friendship. Crossing the line could only bring disappointment for both of you and change your friendship forever. According to “Why You Shouldn’t Take The Next Step with Your Best Friend,” , whenever you feel yourself falling, ask yourself these questions: “Would he be a suitable match for me? Is there a future for us? Am I attracted to my best friend sexually? What are my real reasons? Am I afraid to be alone? Am I willing to risk losing the friendship?” Know that when you risk falling for a friend, you risk not just getting your heart broken but also ruining one of your most cherished friendships when things don’t work out.

5. Choose to love him as your best friend. Or as a brother, if you must. Know that you would be willing to do anything for him, care for him, and love him like a true brother, even if he’s not family. And be comforted that he would do the same for you. But decide not to throw romantic and sexual thoughts into the equation. “It’s a decision, not merely an emotion,” writes Anna. Appreciate that rare solid friendship you have formed with him and keep yourself from losing it just because of selfish, uncontrolled feelings.

Do you have a male best friend? How did you keep yourself from falling in love with him?

We have the right love at the wrong
time.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING. And that also
speaks the truth when it comes to
loving someone. It's not always the
case that a love relationship will
exist or can be worked out when love
is real, time element must also be
considered.

I guess I always knew inside, I
wouldn't have you for a long time.

While one can always love, hope, and
have faith, he must also count in a
sacrifice and accept the outcome no
matter what. Acceptance of a loss is
not merely a defeat itself; it is just
a process of gaining wisdom in life.

Those dreams of yours are shining on
distant shores and if they are calling
you away I don't have right to make
you stay.

They say that if you love someone, you
should learn to let him go. How ironic
it can get to a certain point of view.
How can you let go of someone you're
still so much in love with? I guess
great understanding and selflessness
is the key to such love - an
unconditional love. It's when you
finally learn to say, "I want you to
be happy." without considering your
own.

As what the song goes "But somewhere down the
road our roads are gonna cross again it doesn't
really matter when. Somewhere down the
road I know that heart of yours will
come to see that you belong with me."

Sometimes in life, the decision of
letting someone go actually doesn't
end up right there. It turns out to be
just a test of time. Sooner or later,
without further anticipation, your
paths will cross again. But what if it
doesn't? Then again, one could only
hope for it to happen or much better -
just have faith!

So, what's the difference between
hoping and having faith? When you are
hoping, it doesn't always necessarily
include faith. But when you are having
faith, you are actually hoping at the
same time. Faith is a strong belief of
the existence of an unforeseen object
or a person or the occurrence of an
unforeseen event.

Sometimes goodbyes are not forever. It
doesn't matter if you're gone. I'll
still believe in us together.

Sometimes having faith is just as hard
as letting go. Often, we get down and
lose hope. And instead of being
positive, we put our focus on the
pain. But if we could only realize and
see that what we have done could have
possibly planted a "seed of love" in
the other person's heart, having faith
wouldn't be too difficult. We can then
believe that love never really fails
after all.

I understand more then you think I
can. You have to go out on your own so
you can find your way back home.

True, love conquers all. It conquers
us. They say that if you were really
meant for each other you will end up
with each other. But little did we
know that it actually lies in a
mystery - we don't choose to love or
be loved, love chooses us. A little
time is all we need. The "seed of
love" that we have left wouldn't
suddenly sprang-up into a tree. It's
nurtured through time. And when the
right time comes, it will return to
you in a manner you wouldn't have
imagined.

Letting go is just another way to say
I'll always love you so. We have the
right love at the wrong time. Maybe
we've only just begun. Maybe the best
is yet to come.

There was a saying that goes, "The
fastest way to receive love is to give
love. The fastest way to lose love is
to hold it too tightly. In addition to
these, the best way to keep love is to
give it wings." Letting go is not
always easy. In fact it can break you
and cause you a lot of pain. But
letting go is not really the end of
love; it is only the beginning of a
greater love. a love that time alone
can understand.

We cant beg someone to stay if they
want to leave and be with someone
else, we have to admit that love
doesnt give us the license to own a
person. THIS WHAT LOVE MEANS
SACRIFICE!!!

A Querida is different from a "psuedo-gril friend". 

In psuedo relationship, there is commitment.  It seems like you're his girl-friend but not.  Persons involved in this relationship are keeping the options open.  It's the "almost but not quite"  thing.  Since you're not really together, you can do anything you want.  

Being someone's "querida" or "number 2" is a different thing.  You have a relationship, you're his woman, but you know that you're just his second option.  Meaning, if the first option is not avaialble, you may temporarily take her place. Being a querida means you have to accept that you can not demand time and attention more than what your man can give.    

My bestfriend calls me his "querida".  but this is not the "querida" in the real sense of the word. 

then what makes me his "querida".  Simply because I am his number 2 because he has a "girl'friend" which is his number one. Unless he has other reason/s why he calls me his querida.  Basta ako, I just want to believe na ako yung second option nya kung tumama lang yung circumstances namin. 

Being his "querida" like the way it is now, happy naman ako.  I know he's not my boy friend, I'm not his girl friend, but we love and care for each other more than boy friend and girl friend do.  Of course, may "selos" din (although sa part ko lang) pero yung cute type of selos... yung hindi nang aaway... Sabi ko nga, selosa lang ako, but not possessive.

Pero kung tumama nga kaya ang circumstances namin, naging kami nga kaya? or kung naging kami nga, naging smooth naman kaya ang relatiosnhip namin.  Happy ending kaya kami?  Sa sobrang "selosa" ko, matagalan kaya nya? Well, there are the "what ifs" that will remain "what ifs", meaning, walang kasagutan. 

Ang importante sa ngayon, I have the most wonderful bestfriend in the world... Sabi ko nga, hindi man nagtama ang circumstances namin, di man kami pinagtagpo sa tamang panahon, at least, somewhere along the way, in our journey, we met... at naging bestfriends.

And I can assure him, na kahit "querida" lang ako and bestfriend at the same time,   i love him and care for him more than any girlfrien or wife can do.  mwah

Last night, I texted my best friend… I just realized that I should not be meddling with his personal life, not because I care less, but I just don’t want to control him with what he wants to do, especially when it comes to his “relationship” with “choppy”, whatever it is.

I just felt na parang may mali, parang na co control ko yata ang mga galaw nya everytime na kasama nila ako.  Maybe they have some plans (like having lunch out), na kailangan pang umalis muna ako… 

My bestfriend knows for a fact that I don’t like “choppy” for him, and maybe he’s just trying to please me. 

Nagseselos ba ako?  I don’t know… I don’t want to think I am.  But one thing for sure, natatakot lang siguro ako na mawala sya once na naging “sila” na.  I know how possessive “choppy” is.  And I am sure, she wouldn’t give him even a minute to be with me.

Everyday na lang, may new stories akong naririnig about him and choppy.  So, last night siguro was a realization for me, that no matter how hard I try to keep my bestfriend away from “choppy”, if he really likes her, I couldn’t do anything about it.  Sometimes, we just have to accept things that we couldn’t understand….  For the sake of someone who matters.

Do I need to let him go, even for awhile?  Yes, I think so, to give him time and space to think and decide for himself and by himself.  Yung wala syang ibang I co consider except his feelings.  Yon naman ang tama, I guess. 

i just don't seem to know how to really let go of anyone especially when they've already became a big part of me... i just don't know how to give up...  I have never perfected the moving on thing.   This isnt’ goodbye forever.. but only for awhile.